Finding Truth
by Pandora the Cat
Summary: Spike discovers the truth about Buffy.


**Finding Truth**

**Part 1/1**

by:  Pandora

  
**DISCLAIMER**: Joss and other people own all. Song lyrics by PRIMEsth.   
**DISTRIBUTION**: Those who already have my permission, feel free. Anyone else, please let me know.  
**RATING**: PG-13 to be on the safe side.  
**SPOILERS**: Anything up to and including "The Gift" is fair game.   
**REVIEW:**  That would be great.  
**SUMMARY**: Spike discovers the truth.   
Here's the link to the song at the end of this fic, in case you want to hear what Spike is hearing: http://www.primesth.com/primevideo.html   
I haven't played the video for 'I'm Stupid' yet, but I hope it has the entire song on it. There's also a link for part of the song. I don't know which is better, 'cause I don't have sound on my computer right now. *g* Just click on the music link at the top.  
  
*************   
  
You know, I never believed she actually felt something for me, even when her actions said she did. Now, as I stand here looking through her front window, watching her hug him with tears in her eyes, I can congratulate myself on my astute judgment of the situation. I always was a quick one.  
  
Bloody Hell! Who am I kidding? I believed it all. When she came back, she began hanging around me more. She gradually opened up to me, told me her fears, her doubts. She confided that I was the only one she could talk to about what she had gone through. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, confided in _*ME*_, a soulless demon, about what she went through when she jumped off the tower.   
  
She described the intense pain from the electricity coursing through her body. She described how it felt when it finally killed her. She told me the regrets that went through her mind as she was falling, regrets of not having done things she should have done, at not telling the people around her how much she loved them. I reassured her that they all knew she loved them and she looked at me with her sad eyes. "Not ALL of them."   
  
I had assumed she was talking about Angel, it never dawned on me that she might be referring to me at that time. And then she talked about how it felt to die and then come back, a circumstance I was very familiar with. It was something that brought us closer together, having died and such.  
  
I greedily accepted all of the attention she bestowed upon me. I lapped it up like the dog I am. I began to believe she was beginning to feel something for me, even though she told me we were only friends. She wanted to talk to someone who could understand what she had gone through, but that was it, nothing more. If I could accept that, then we would get along great. That's what she told me.  
  
But, gradually things changed. She still came to do things with me, but she hardly talked about that night on the tower and the months she was dead and buried. She stopped questioning why the Powers brought her back and started enjoying life again. She treated me like a normal mate and we talked about everything in her life, from Dawn, to music, to movies, to the groceries she bought. She even asked how I was doing and helped me find a better place to live. It was bloody great. Finally I was being treated as something other than a monster and by the person who meant most to me in the world. I was in my own little heaven.  
  
Every night we patrolled and it no longer seemed like work or a chore for her. It was fun. We joked around quite a bit. She had a great sense of humor and laughed at my jokes. We were so in sync.   
  
We were becoming fast friends, even though I always hoped for more. We had spent a good deal of time together since she was brought back, doing things friends do, like going to the movies and shopping. I was enjoying myself completely.   
  
It was a couple weeks past Thanksgiving when she suggested we go dancing. It gave me pause for a bit, but she went dancing with the whelp all the time, so why not me? I could handle it. I was sure that I'd not make a fool of myself by acting the lovesick fool. We sparred back and forth trying to decide where to go. Neither one of us wanted to go to The Bronze. As she said, "Been there, done that." Then she giggled. I love her giggle. She is SO bloody beautiful.  
  
We finally chose a new place out of town. It was a short drive up the highway so we jumped into the DeSoto. She surprised me by taking a CD out of her bag and telling me she was going to introduce me to some new music. I protested, of course. Thought she was going to play some fru-fru nancy-boy stuff, but she surprised me yet again.  
  
The music was actually bearable. She said it was a new band from Sweden called PRIMEsth. Although it wasn't exactly punk rock, it had a good beat. It soon became clear that she had a favorite song on the album. When she told me that the name of the song was 'I'm Stupid', I had to laugh. I stopped laughing, though, after I listened to the words the third time through.  
  
Was she trying to send me a message? There she was singing along, moving her hips and shoulders to the insistent beat. I couldn't help but wonder if she had picked the song just for my benefit. She must have noticed my quietness, because as I turned into the parking lot and found a parking place, she reached over and put her hand on my forearm. "Not everything is as it seems," she said. "Sometimes, you have to look beneath the surface and go with your instincts."  
  
When I completed parking the car, her hand stayed on my arm, almost like she was drawing comfort from the touch. I turned to look into her eyes and couldn't decide if her words were meant for me or for her, but maybe they were meant for both of us. I resisted the urge to kiss her, even though it was overwhelming at that point. We had spent the past four months together in close proximity and I felt this sort of urge quite often.  
  
I didn't have to resist though because she leaned toward me and softly placed her warm lips against mine. I don't want to sound all poncy or anything, but it was bleedin' fantastic! The kiss started softly, then it deepened, as if she wanted to reach inside me. After the initial shock, I joined in wholeheartedly, giving as good as I got.  
  
We had been attached at the lips for nearly twenty minutes in a good old-fashioned make-out session when we were startled by the sounds of drunken giggling outside the car. Some very drunk dancers had emerged from the club and were having trouble finding their auto. Needless to say, I cursed them silently.   
  
She pulled away from me, and I waited for the inevitable expression of disgust to appear on her face. I waited, but it didn't come. She looked surprisingly awestruck, lifted her hand to her lips, and said one word in a breathless, throaty voice. "Wow!" Then she smiled, a smile SO bright I don't doubt California could use its energy equivalent to ward off future rolling blackouts. She grabbed my hand then and said, "Let's go dance."  
  
We entered the club hand in hand. I was having a hard time believing this was happening even though all the signs had been pointing this way for some time. We were a striking couple I had no doubt. Her long golden hair shone in the lights and all eyes stopped to watch us.   
  
We walked to a table near the dance floor and I turned to help her take her coat off. She lifted her hair with one hand as I slipped one coat arm off her shoulder and then reached for the other arm. She started to transfer her hair to the other hand. It slipped from her grasp and fell against my arm. It felt like silk on my skin.   
  
I gasped at the sensation. She turned to look at me with a question in her eyes. I am certain that every bloke in that room knew exactly what I felt at that moment. I stammered some stupid, inane thing and then decided to just tell her the truth. "Your hair. It feels like silk."   
  
Obviously, truth was the right choice. She leaned against me at that moment, looking up at me with those soulful eyes. Then she smiled with such warmth that I gasped again, both fearing and begging to be told the feelings behind her eyes. She grasped my hand and slowly led me to the dance floor.  
  
I don't recall the song that played then or any of the songs later. All I remember was the feeling of holding her in my arms and the scent of her hair and skin. We danced for what seemed hours, to songs both fast and slow. It felt as though we were becoming one, as though all my dreams were coming true. We danced until the club closed and then drove back to Sunnydale in companionable silence.  
  
When we reached her house, Buffy turned and scooted across the seat next to me. She reached her hand up and brushed the hair off the side of my face. Then she leaned in to kiss me again. I don't think I can ever get used to the feeling of being kissed by her, even if I live a thousand years. Before I could stop myself, I felt myself slipping. "Buffy, I love you. I love you so much." As soon as the words were out, I regretted it. I didn't want to push her, but she didn't respond the way I thought she would. What she said gave me hope.  
  
"I know, Spike. I believe you. But please don't ask me to analyze my feelings for you yet. I know it's a hard thing to do, but I need you to be patient with me. I know I feel something for you and I know it's WAY more than friendship. I certainly don't kiss Xander or Willow like that!" She giggled at those words and I had to laugh too. The thought of her kissing either of the two original Scoobies in that manner was quite interesting.  
  
"All I can ask is that you accept us the way we are now. We are more than friends and we may be even more than that in the future. I enjoy spending time with you and that is not going to change. I'd like to go out on dates with you. And even though I want to do it so much, I won't jump your bones yet." The Slayer looked at me deeply and then said in a much lower voice before she kissed me goodbye. "You have NO idea HOW much I want to!"  
  
What followed was two months of us semi-dating. It was the most innocent relationship I had had in over 120 years, but I enjoyed every second of it. I could see her feelings for me change every day. It became harder for us not to show our feelings in front of the others. The only one who knew was Dawn and she was all for it.   
  
Dawn bugged her big sister and told her to give in to her feelings for me. Lil' Bit could be quite convincing at times, but she wasn't able to convince Buffy to admit she loved me. It was all right though. Even though I would have loved to hear it, I could tell by the way she looked at me how she felt. I'm surprised the others didn't catch on, but they were clueless at times.  
  
At the beginning of February, Dawn reminded me that Valentine's Day was coming up. When I heard that word, I panicked for a moment. Last Valentine's Day had been disastrous for us. I had chained Buffy up to force her to hear my love. I can't help but wonder how things might have turned out if I hadn't done such a stupid thing, but I did do it. As they say, hindsight's twenty-twenty.   
  
Nibblet told me not to worry about last year. I needed to plan something romantic for the Slayer. Treat her as no bloke had ever done. Make her feel special. All this information from a 15 year old girl, but she was right. I needed to make Buffy feel she was the most important person in the world and that would not be hard. She WAS the most important person. Everything in my unlife revolved around her.  
  
So, plans were made, the date was set. I asked Buffy to go out with me that night on a real Valentine's Day date and she accepted with her eyes glowing. I told her that it was going to be a formal occasion and this made her wonder all the more. Dawn went with me to pick out a tux. I can't believe I bought a tux, but I'd do anything for my golden girl.  
  
And here I am, dressed like nancy-boy Angel, standing outside her house on February 14th. The most romantic day of the year. It doesn't feel romantic to me anymore. What I am seeing through the window is tearing my heart out. I'm not sure how long I've stood here, but I am fixed to the spot. My feet refuse to move, even though my mind is telling me to.   
  
It is all becoming clear to me now. She has been playing with me.  
  
No, I have to be fair here. She hasn't played me. She tried to love me, but I wasn't enough for her to love. Suddenly I recall that song she liked so much. The words start going through my head.  
  
  
_'I'm stupid__  
__You're smarter__  
__I'm stupid thinking there's a way__  
__That this could turn out right'__  
_   
  
I should have known that this was all in my mind. She told me we were only friends. I shouldn't have let myself become confused by a few kisses.  
  
  
_'I'm dreaming__  
__You woke up__  
__And I should have known from the start__  
__That you were never mine'__  
__  
_   
I should have known. She was never mine. She would always be his. Nothing I could do would change that. Never mine.  
  
  
_' 'Cuz if I can't make you love me__  
__You're out of reasons to stay__  
__Make it easy on yourself__  
__And don't worry 'bout me__  
__Can't make you feel something you don't'__  
_   
  
I thought I could. I really thought I could make her love me. I was so wrong.  
  
  
_'I'm cryin'__  
__But don't pity__  
__I'm dyin' to just walk away__  
__I'm gonna be alright'__  
_   
  
I should just walk away. Just leave this town and never look back. I should.  
  
  
_' 'Cuz I was dreaming__  
__That you woke up__  
__And I'm gonna miss you, but I__  
__I'm gonna be alright'__  
_   
  
I'll leave and I will be all right. Even if it takes a hundred years, I will escape this feeling of pain. I will.  
  
  
_' 'Cuz if I can't make you love me__  
__You're out of reasons to stay__  
__Make it easy on yourself__  
__And don't worry 'bout me'__  
_   
  
I can't let her know how much I hurt. No matter what, I don't want her to feel any more pain. She has gone through too much in her short lifetime.  
  
  
_'If I can't make you love me__  
__You're not the one here to blame__  
__I will make it on my own__  
__Don't worry 'bout me__  
__Don't worry 'bout me__  
__Don't worry 'bout me'__  
_   
  
She will blame herself. She will feel guilty. I know. It is in her character to take the blame, but it is not her fault that she didn't feel what I felt for her.  
  
  
_'I'm stupid__  
__You're smarter__  
__I'm stupid thinking there's a way__  
__This could turn out right'__  
_   
  
I should have known that there was no possibility for her to love me. I should have known.  
  
  
_' 'Cuz if I can't make you love me__  
__You're out of reasons to stay__  
__Make it easy on yourself__  
__And don't worry 'bout me'__  
_   
  
I'll just leave tonight. Slip out of town unnoticed. Why are there tears falling down my face? Bloody Hell! I am NOT a soddin' POOF! I'm not.  
  
  
_'If I can't make you love me__  
__You're not the one here to blame__  
__I will make it on my own__  
__Don't worry 'bout me__  
__Don't worry 'bout me__  
__Don't worry 'bout me'__  
_   
  
She is hugging him again. She just kissed him. Why am I making myself suffer like this? Why don't I just leave?   
  
So, she didn't choose me. She chose him. He always seems to win. Big deal! I'm leaving now.   
  
Goodbye, Buffy. I loved you more than you will ever know.  
  
  
_' 'Cuz if I can't make you love me__  
__You're out of reasons to stay__  
__Make it easy on yourself__  
__And don't worry 'bout me__  
__Don't worry 'bout me'__  
_   
  
I turn to walk down the street. I don't hear the door open behind me and I don't hear her voice calling my name. I don't hear her running quick steps after me. I am blinded by my own tears and my own stupidity. I reach my hand up to wipe the tears away, pausing for a moment. She catches up with me at that exact second and tugs on my shoulder.  
  
"Spike, where are you going? I thought we were going out tonight?"  
  
I hesitate before turning around, so she quickly steps to my front side. She appears astounded at my appearance.  
  
"Why are you crying? What happened?" she questions me with fear in her voice.  
  
"Bloody Hell, Buffy! I'm a soddin' fool. I should've known that you'd never feel anything for me. I fooled myself into believing you loved me, but your feelings were always caught up in Angel. Just let me go now!"  
  
She steps closer to me, looking me straight in the eyes. "Damn you, Spike. Can't you tell how I feel? Don't my actions say anything to you? How can you NOT know?!" Her voice is raw with pain. She touches the side of my face.   
  
"I dream about you every night. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is think about you. You are on my mind constantly. Whenever you walk into a room, my stomach does flip-flops. Does it sound like I am not affected by you? Does it sound like you are just my friend? Does it?"  
  
When I don't respond, she puts one hand on each side of my face, pulling it down to face hers. "I called Angel because I wanted him to be the first besides Dawn to know that I am in a relationship with you. I felt he deserved that. I thought it would be a great shock for him to find out through the grapevine that I am shacked up with his grandchilde. That is all that you saw. I was saying goodbye, nothing more."  
  
At these words, I turn to look at her. I can see it now, the same thing I have seen before. It has been there for months. Love. She loves me.  
  
She stands up on her tippy-toes and kisses me lightly. "I love you, you big lunk." I feel my stomach go pitter-patter. She LOVES me. She loves ME!   
  
"I love you too, Buffy. I love you more than anything."   
  
We kiss for a few minutes more before we start walking back down the street to her house, but I pause for a moment.  
  
"Wait. What do you mean about shacking up?"  
  
She giggles at that. "Hmmm. I guess you're going to have to wait 'til later to find out." Then she runs across the lawn with me giving chase. I can't tell the rest of the story here because it might interrupt some child's growth, but it will be one VERY good night that will turn into one very good day! Is that sappy or what?  
  
  
  
The End  
  



End file.
